Handsome, Smart, or Nice???

I was chatting with my sons over breakfast this morning and somehow the conversation turned into a discussion about the following question... If you could only be EITHER good-looking, smart, OR nice, which would you choose?

Joel gave the question about five seconds of thought and said, "Nice, definitely, nice." When I asked why, he replied that being "nice" was part of being "good," but being handsome or smart were not part of being "good." He then went off to see if the caterpillar that he had been playing with yesterday was still on the front porch.

Braden, of course, quickly responded that he didn't have to worry about it because he was all three. When I pushed the issue, he said he really didn't know. I know he doesn't really care that much about looks at this point, but he does care about being "cool" and really prides himself on being smart. As we discussed it, I re-phrased the question: Which would you choose to be? a) handsome, mean, and dumb (I know it is not a PC term, but I was trying to communicate with a nine-year-old); b) ugly, mean, and smart; or c) ugly, nice, and dumb. In the end, he said that he agreed with Joel that it would be best to be nice if you could only have one. He said that being smart would come in second place.

Then we talked about the qualities we use to judge other people. Braden said that he definitely thought that people were judged mostly on their looks, then their smarts, and finally on how nice they are. (He added that in the world of third-grade boys that athletic prowess trumped even good looks in the list of important qualities. More about that another day....)

Their responses really made me think. First, I was impressed at how precise and undistracted Joel's "moral compass" is. His life experience has pretty well been limited to home, church and kindergarten. Fortunately, he hasn't really experienced a lot of the peer pressure to be "cool" that comes as time goes on. He likes people who are nice. (Well... come to think of it... he does value athletic prowess. He told me a few months ago that he thinks he may like to marry his friend Meg when he grows up because: "She is really nice, AND she can run really fast. EVEN FASTER THAN ME!! No, really, Mom. She totally beat me in a race at recess.")

Braden's compass on the other hand seems to be distracted slightly by his current life experience. The pressure to be well-liked is like a tiny shard of a magnet that keeps that needle unsteady. Braden's responses made perfect sense to me. He has been trying to navigate a world where he perceives that being labeled "cool" is based on looking good, being good at sports, and to some degree not being nice (i.e. being flippant or disrespectful of teachers, putting people down, etc.) In younger years, it was easy to be well-liked based on being smart and nice. Now he feels like those qualities are less valued.

The other thought I had was regarding the messages about priorities that I send to my children. While I do think I try to instill the value of kindness, respect, and obedience in my children. These messages are not nearly as loud and overt as the messages about the "societal values" of looking good and being smart. The majority of the harping that I do at my kids is focused on these two things. Specifically, I make comments daily to all of the kids about personal hygiene issues and appropriateness of dress. I know that I constantly send both implied and expressed messages about the importance of getting good grades and doing (and turning in) homework on time.

It's definitely something for me to consider.